by Katie Lee, Katie Wesselman and Joanna Michnovicz
[note: may cause temporary insanity -A story of complete and utter randomness that is a hundred percent unlogical. We wrote this on our road trip to Denever. Please keep in mind there was three rules I was given before we started writing our epic. (1) no eyeballs (2) no miguel (3) no Chuck Norris...well yeah.]
Once upon a time, just south of the city of Walsonberg, there lived a boy with a mullett. Our poor mulletted hero hated his haircut, and determined, out of spite, to give everything he saw a mullett too. This poor mulleted young hero was named Darryl Frederick Hanson Wilson Faubson III, but everyone just called him “Effy”. Now little Effy was banished from his hometown so he headed to the littel rural town of Budaghers. Effy knew for a fact that Budaghers held the most spectacular attractions to be found in the great Southwest. But upon entering the city of Budgahers, he saw that the attraction sign was empty... so he gave it a mullett. In retaliation to Effy’s disturbance of Budagher’s peace, the people of Budaghers, the Budageers, ran him out of town, carrying large shotguns. So Effy, in sheer fear of the shotgun-carrying Budageers, decided to cut mullets on their guns. Effy, however, was blessed with the good luck of running across the only living jackalope in the great Southwest, who carried him to safety at a nearby Nunnery. A kindly old Nun took him into the nunnery, and explained to him that the only place where he could truly find saftey from the mullet haters with shotguns from Budaghers, would be in a far away land called Manzeniovowachiff. It was then that our mulletted hero Effy decided to embark on his strenuous, yet exciting, mullet filled adventure; he left the next day from the nunnery.
As he was leaving the nunnery, an old crippled leprosy man, named Miguel, told him of the beautiful mullet princess who was locked up in a tower on the other side of the world from Manzeniovowachiff.
Alas, our hero muttered, “My choice will be based upon this: tell me the fair maiden’s name!”
The old man replied, “Why, it’s Fee Fee!”
Effy fell to his knees; he did not know which choice to make, for he knew he could not rescue fair Fee Fee and make it back to M-town before the rocket landed. For, at the nunnery, the old crippled Mother Superior had told him of the mystical rocket which was said to have the power to vanquish the world of mullet haired people if it could indeed land on the top of Pike’s Peak and the rocket had been getting progressively closer.
After relaizing his dilemna, he turned to Miguel, the one eyed leprosy criplled man and said, “But alas, is there any way I can destroy the rocket, rescue the princess, and live happily every after?”
The old one eyed leper replied, “The secret lies with Fee Fee.”
Effy’s feelings grew stronger because now not only did he long for the mulletted princess, but he knew that in order to stop the rocket, he must rescue her before his journey to the Manzeniovowachiff. But Effy had an epiphany and thought to himself, “If I am indeed to rescue said fair maiden, and save my mulletted head from being severed from my body, then before I run to safety at that town with the really long name, I must first destroy the rocket with Fee Fee’s help.”
On the first leg of his journey, he came across a furry dragon named Emily. Effy jumped upon the dragon’s furry back and shouted gleefully:
“I will find my Fee Fee and
if it is fated
that I am infatuated,
I shall destroy the rocket,
for I have a compass in my pocket!”
As the dragon turned her head, Effy met Emily’s catlike gaze and Emily muttered in her deep, dark, dragon voice, “i like your haircut.”
“Thank you!” replied Effy in shock, so much so that he fell off the back of the furry dragon, and broke his arm. Quite to his surprise, Emily the dragon pulled out her handy-dandy First Aid Kit, from which she gave him a Chuck Norris bandaid and it healed his arm instantly!
“And there’s more!” said Emily with a smile, “I own every Chuck Norris DVD ever made and this is my parting gift to you.” Whereupon Emily roundhouse kicked him high into the atmosphere. While flying through the sky, feeling that all hope was lost, Effy was terrified and relieved when his Chuck Norris bandaid turned into his own personal 747 with flight attendants who served him coffee.
“Coffee!” Effy exclaimed, “that gives me gas!” But, before Effy could ask for anything else, the plane went into a tailspin and crashed into the hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody DIED... except for Effy... you know why? cause had his tray table up, and his seat back in the full upright position! As chance would have it, there was perched at the very top of the fated hillside, a tower, with pink painted grafitti, with the magical words “Fee Fee” inscribed across the shutters of the 2nd highest window.
As Effy pensively stroked his mullet for good luck, he whispered to the wind, “Fee Fee, is that you?”
From the second highest window, a gruff and not-so-girly voice yelled back to the wind, “What was that? Speak up boy!”
Effy then decided that based upon the gruff voice, he had better climb up the tower to see who’s was the strange voice, where he found a crazed tribe of eyeball eating hooligans, inhabitting the entire tower! And so Effy, in sheer fear of the eyeball eating hooligans, flung himself on to the window sil, and screamed,
“Fee Fee, it’s Effy,
Help me, help me, help me,
Fee Fee, oh Fee Fee
Let down your long mullet!”
As he waited, Effy remembered the souvenier he had put in his pocket earlier to give to Miguel the one eyed leper: an eyeball, which Effy realized he could use to distract the crazed tribe of eybeall eating hooligans as he waited for Fee Fee to let down her mullet! So, Effy waited, and he waited, and he waited some more but the eyeball distraction was slowly giving way; he realized he didn’t have much time left so he screamed, “FEE FEE, HUSTLE IT UP!” Right at that point, a golden lock of mullet hair, floated gracefully down from the FIRST window, swooped Effy up, and took him to the princess.
“Fee Fee!” said Effy, “I’m Effy!”
“I’m Fee Fee,” said Fee Fee to Effy.
“Oh Fee Fee!” exclaimed Effy, “I have traveled trough many towns, I have encountered may peoples, I got roundhouse kicked by a furry dragon, I survived a plane crash, and I fought off angry eyeball eating hooligans to ask you this question, Fee Fee my dear, Fee Fee my fair, what is THE secret?”
But Fee Fee just looked at him, and with a scary twinkle in her eye said “Ah, the secret, but first, you must answer me these questions three.... What is your name, what is your quest, and what is your favorite color!?”
“Fee Fee, my name is Darryl Fredrick Hanson Wilson Faubson III, my quest is to stop the mystical rocket from destroying the mullet population as we know it, and.... Miguel!”
“Mine too!” said Fee Fee, “Miguel has alwasy been my favorite color!”
INTERMISSION
“No,” said Effy, “I was referring to that!” disgustedly pointing to the now completely eyeless Miguel who was standing in the doorway, having obviously thrown his only eyeball to save himself from the eyeball eating hooligans who were guarding the tower.
“Father!” exclaimed Fee Fee. “I thought you were in Brazil!”
“What?!?” exclaimed Effy. “Your father? Brazil?” And in shock, his mullet fell off leaving him bald and safe!
Tears began to run down the soft face of the tender muletted princess, “Our hero, the chosen one,” she said, “no longer has any reaon to save us.”
“NO! Fear not, fair maiden, I shall still save you,” cried Effy as he planted a mulletless kiss upon her face. The kiss was suddenly interrupted by the sound of, “Croak..... Croak....” for the magical kiss had turned Miguel into an eyeless leperous TOAD!
“But this is it!” cried Fee Fee, “You must infect the rocket with leprosy using my father the eyeless leper toad!”
“Do you consent?” ask Effy of Miguel the toad.
“Croak, Croak croak croak crooooak,” cried miguel the toad, (which translated means, “I completely agree and, as a matter of fact, i foresaw this moment as Effy ran from Budagers and I have prepared myself from this moment and have even brought transportation; Emily the Dragon awaits us on the roof!”)
“Well I’m gladyou foresaw that, daddy, considering you’ll never see anything again!” sobbed Fee Fee.
Unfortunately, Emily the furry Dragon was no where to be found, for on this day, the last day of spring, Chuck Norris was signing autographs at the local Circle K, and so she had left them a bright purple El Camino instead.
“MKMUEHAGE!” exclaimed Effy, “why of all things did she have to leave the me the mullet of cars!? This will get us no where!” But then, the Chuck Norris bandaid turned into a supercharged ultraturbo engine which they quickly installed into the El Camino, b/c Fee Fee was a mechanic, you know (the engine was so heavy, it made the El Camino into a low rider).
“C-ro-aaaaaa-k,” cried Miguel, (which translated means, “I’ll drive, I’ve alwasy wanted this car!”) Just then, they saw the rocket flying above them heading towards and getting dangerously closer to Pike’s Peak.
“Oh No!” screamed Effy and Fee Fee in one voice, “What are we to do now!? The mullet population is doomed!” Knowing that even with the supercharged ultraturbo Chuck Norris engine they could never fly and that they would never be able to infest the rocket with leprosy in time to save the mullet population, Effy cried, “If only we had a supercharged two-way walkie talkie that could summon Emily to us!”
“Why didn’t you say so sooner?” yelled Fee Fee, “I’ve got just the thing!” And she pulled out a Chuck Norris bandaid which promptly turned into a supercharged two-way ultra-sonic walkie talkie!
“Perfect!” yelled Effy, grabbing the walkie talkie from his beloved’s hand, “We shall call Emily! Emily, are you there??” And within no time, they heard on the other side of the walkie talkie, the dark, deep, mystic dragon voice, with a higher pitch than usual crying wthout pausing even once for any sort of breath, “oh-my--gosh-i-just-cant-believe-that-its-so-cool-chuchk-norris-is-signing-my-scales-and-my-fur-and-my-cds-and-my-dvds-and-then-this-walkie-talkie-appeared-in-my-hand-and-then-i-got-a-free-slurpee-but-thats-ok-its-chuck-norris-flavored-anyway-what-do-you-want-im-so-excited!!!!”
“My dear Emily!” screamed Effy into the walkie talkie, “Don’t you understand!? You must come to our rescue now, or Mullet-dom as we know it will cease to be... FOREVER!”
“But,” there was apparent desperation and disappointment in Emiliy’s (thankfully) now punctuated speech as she realized that she would have to leave Chuck Norris to save Effy, Fee Fee, Miguel and her beloved purple low rider Chuck Norris engined El Camino.
Suddenly, in the background, a gruff voice rang across the walkie talkie interrupting Emily. “The end of mulletdom!” was all they heard as the walkie talkie fell to static. Within moments, a firebolt came searing across the northern sky!
“Its a bird!” cried Effy.
“Its a plane!” cried Fee Fee.
“Croak!” cried Miguel, (which translated means, “You dummies, its Emily the fuzzy dragon riding on Chuck Norris’s back holding on to his mullet!”)
“Chuck Norris has a mullet?” asked Fee Fee, “how hot,” she thought to herself... just as Chuck Norris exclaimed:
“Friends! Mullets! El Camino, lend my your toad!”
“Croak!” cried Miguel triumphantly, (which translated means, “Yes, Chuck Norris, at last! You must roundhouse kick me to the mystical rocket before it lands on Pike’s Peak so that I may infest it with leprosy and save my daughter, your mullet, and ALL of mulletdom as we know it!”)
And with one swift roundhouse kick, Miguel the Toad, with the help of Effy, Fee Fee, Emily, and Chuck Norris and his bandaids, infested the mystical rocket with leprosy and therefore causing it to expload, taking Miguel the toad along with him..... BUT because Chuck Norris had strapped on yet another of his handy-dandy bandaids, Miguel climbed triumphantly from the burning wreckage on his hands and knees, as a man, not a toad, and with three eyeballs.
“Oh daddy,” cried Fee Fee, as she ran and embraced her father, “I told you you’d get your eyeball back someday! Now you have a spare!”
And so we leave our heroic party at the top of the hill, and as the camera backed away, and the lights grew dim, we now pause to reflect on what we’ve learned:
Miguel got his eyeballs, the El Camino got an engine, Fee Fee found true love, and Effy got his Fee Fee, Emily got Chuck Norris, and Chuck Norris has a mullet.
Oh, and by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry full of loathing and self doubt and racked with pain and desolation from your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol’ mixed up universe of ours there’s still a little place called Manzenoivowachiff! and that is where they all lived happily ever after with their mullets and mullet children!
THE END
